Lady Vengeance
by Rayne McKenna
Summary: Hell hath no furry like a Tech Analyst scorned, and unfortunately for Reid and Morgan, their road to hell really was paved with good intentions. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

**I won't seem to let myself take on any AU or cross overs until the half-finished ones on my desktop are complete. Finish what you start right? I started this one 2-3 months ago and it too was lost to FF purgatory. (I have a very cluttered desktop) Anyone else tend to write out of order? *Here's a scene I like! Oh wait, I have to have a story to go with it? DAMN!* Psh... Not sure if I like it either, as it's kinda uneven IMO, but here it is. Anyway, the ramble train has been derailed. I'll shut up now. **

**Chapter One **

Oh, they'd really fucked up. It wasn't intentional and they felt SO bad but it didn't change the fact that it had happened all the same and now their beloved tech analyst and friend wasn't speaking to either of them.

Spencer, Emily and JJ looked over as they heard yelling followed by a slamming door. They observed as a crestfallen Derek walked reluctantly back to the bullpen.

"Give her time Morgan. It was pretty bad." JJ said.

"I realize that! But we didn't know this would happen! She won't even hear me out!"

"She wouldn't listen to me either. And I even used what she referred to as my best 'kitten face'." Spencer pouted.

"See? How can you say no to that?" Morgan asked, gesturing to the adorably pathetic look on Reid's face.

The girls gave mock gasps.

"She can't take it out on him right now without ending up under investigation so you two are the next best thing." Prentiss explained.

"Hey, we knew he was drunk and tried to get him to leave but he refused. Then he just disappeared while Reid was getting the car and I was paying the tab. By the time we found him stumbling out of the restroom, zipping it up with that chick slinking out behind him it was too late." Morgan defended.

"Well, you did push him to go out." JJ interjected.

"Us. He pushed _US_ into going out." Reid clarified.

"Look, I just figured that I should get to know the guy for the purpose of avoiding this very thing. Messing up their relationship. And Reid, you needed a night out with the boys."

"Says you. I was fine just staying in. Which I suggested by the way."

"Oh, so this is all _my_ fault? How was I supposed to know Kevin was a douche bag?"

"Well you certainly didn't help matters any when you threatened his life and drug him to Garcia's to confess at one am."

"What the hell was I supposed to do? Keep it a secret? She should at least give me credit for that much! Besides, Kevin's a big boy, he should be held accountable for his own actions."

"If you guys had forced Will out for a boy's night and that had happened I'd be pissed at you too." JJ admitted.

"Thanks JJ. That really helps." Morgan huffed.

"I'm not trying to help. Just telling you that it is what it is and you have to see her side of it and give her time."

"I just don't see why I fall into the 'friends she's not speaking to' category. It wasn't even my idea and I wasn't the one that ran to the restroom to get my Jack-in-the-box sprung by some random hussy…" Reid grumbled.

They all stared at him with raised brows.

"What…" He balked

"Sorry Reid. It doesn't matter. Guilt by association. You're both in the dog house." Prentiss shrugged.

"I just wish she would listen…"

"She will. Someday. My advice, do whatever it takes when she does." JJ admonished.

"Wh-what do you mean by 'DO'…or for that matter 'WHATEVER'?" Reid asked warily.

"What, you really think you're getting out of this without jumping through some hoops? This is Penelope we're talking about." Prentiss laughed.

Morgan and Reid looked at each other for a long moment with matching grimaces, minds running with the possibilities of what their potential forgiveness would entail.

"Well, I'd do anything about now. I feel horrible. And if I feel this horrible I can't imagine how horrible she must feel…which makes me feel even more horrible." Morgan said shaking his head.

"You should feel horrible. I feel horrible and I didn't even do anything." Reid griped.

"Reid, I swear to God…"

"You said, and I quote, 'Hey Pretty Boy, get that skinny butt of yours ready cuz you and me are takin' Kevin out for a guy's night'." Spencer said in an amusing attempt at a Morgan impersonation. "To which I replied, 'I'm not really in the mood to sit with Kevin while you prowl for your latest conquest.' To which you said, and I quote, 'No ladies tonight. Just us boys. I need you as a buffer. Come on, we owe it to Garcia to get to know the man she's sharing bath time with.' To which I said…"

"I remember the conversation Reid! Alright, so you didn't want to go out initially, but you were having a good time for a while there. You even bought a round. So stop acting all innocent."

"You're the one that left Kevin at that woman's mercy."

"What!"

"She was hitting on me first when I went up to settle the tab. Then you came stomping up and very rudely told her to, what was it, 'Flap her fly trap' elsewhere? Then you told me you had it covered and that I should get the car."

"So what, you wanted to go get it on with the human petri dish in that cesspool of a bathroom?"

"No. I didn't say that. But if you had left it alone and just stayed with Kevin until I paid, none of this would have happened."

"Gee, I'm sorry for saving you from a trip to the free clinic man."

"You didn't save me! I wasn't going to do anything with her! And I think I could handle politely rejecting a woman without insulting her."

"Well maybe we didn't have all night for you to pry her off you at a snail's pace. God, you probably need to get a penicillin shot just for the contact you did have."

"Ha! Pot meet kettle! Morgan, for as much crap as I get for not trying to pick up ladies, you sure are being an ass about this. Unlike some people I actually think with my brain and I don't sleep around with every scantily dressed woman that paws at me. Despite what you may think I actually have standards."

"And I don't?"

"Yeah. Two. Attractive and willing. And some nights the first one is even negotiable."

"That's really what you think of me?"

"Since when does what I think matter to you? If it did we never would have been there in the first place."

"Alright! I get it! It's my fault! I'm an asshole! Happy? Maybe I should just…"

"Fuck Reid and get it over with? Jesus you guys, Pen is in there devastated, a two year relationship down the tubes and you're having the equivalency of a bitch fight over…what?"

Reid glared at her and Morgan went to say something he'd most likely regret when his phone buzzed. It was a text from Garcia.

"She wants to talk to us." He relayed to Reid.

"But…"

"Shut up and come on." Morgan spat, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and pulling him toward her office.

….

The boys slinked quietly to her door and waited patiently to be allowed into the tech mistress's domain.

"Hey Baby Girl, we're so glad you're willing to…"

"Shush. I have zero interest in any excuses or sniveling. I've been moping around the last few days going through the grieving process and do you know what I've realized?"

Both men stood in silence for fear of what would happen if they dared to speak.

"I realized that as hurt and betrayed and foolish as I feel that the worst part of it all, the part that keeps me from finding any kind of peace or solace amidst this nightmare, is the complete and utter humiliation. The fact that everyone seems to know that my boyfriend, my sleazy, evil, two-faced, pervert of an ex, went out with two of my best friends and cheated on me with some floozy in the bathroom of a hole in the wall bar _**they**_ drug him to."

Derek flashed a warning glance at Spencer who had opened his mouth to correct her, snapping it shut a moment later for fear of life and limb.

"Kevin Lynch will get his. I've seen to that. But you two, well, that's a whole other matter. I did weigh the facts and I realize that you did force him to come clean about said betrayal, but I still can't get over the part you played in the destruction of my life as I knew it. However, we do have to work together, so I asked myself: Self? What could we possibly do to give my boys the chance to redeem themselves? What could they do to make things right again? And I decided that humiliation in itself is the answer."

The two men looked at one another sharing a mutual *gulp* before turning their attention back toward the one woman firing squad.

"I don't fancy myself a vengeful or hateful person, but I figure an eye for an eye in this case would be sufficient enough. So, I've devised a little plan. Are you game?"

"W-what's the plan?" Reid asked nervously.

"Agree first and I'll tell you."

"To be honest Garcia, the '_**plan**_'…scares me."

"Oh, believe me Boy-Wonder, the alternative is much more terrifying."

"Fine Baby Girl. Whatever it takes. We'll do it." Morgan said quickly.

"Hey! I didn't agree…"

If looks could kill Spencer would have been vapor.

" Fine. Agreed." He mumbled.

"Good." Garcia said, leaning back in her chair like some deranged mob boss having just received confirmation on a hit. "Here's how it's gonna go…"

**Okay, so, there's the first chapter. Um…chapter two has pie… And more sassy Reid. Who doesn't love sassy Reid pie? It's a flavor I'd savor! Yum! I think I'm way overdue for a darker fic. But I just can't seem to go there on purpose lately. Survival maybe? IDK. Sorry. Just not good at serious these days. I appreciate your time, and your thoughts even more. Thank you. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the incredible feedback. So sorry it took a week to update. Especially for…well, this. Anyway, aside from the occasional one-shot and reading/reviewing your beautiful work, I'm probably done for now once I post the last few chapters. I have to find more work to get out of this hellish living situation I'm in. (Part of why I've been a ghost this week) Thank you for your patience/support. This place is my only real outlet. I really love y'all.**

**Oh, and can we give a great big HELLS YEAH for Brewster returning to CM? PURE AWESOMENESS! :D**

**Anyhooooo…it's chapie two…**

**Chapter Two**

Prentiss noticed Spencer's strange mood almost immediately. He seemed distracted and if it were possible, more fidgety than usual. He sat at his desk, expression twisted into one akin to paranoia if it hooked up with apprehension and bore offspring on his face. When Derek came back in, he sprung up from his seat and hurried to the break room with his still half-full mug.

"What's up with him?" Prentiss inquired with a note of concern.

Derek shrugged.

"He's been weird since you guys talked to Garcia. Well, weirder than usual anyway. What did she say?"

"We told you. Nothin'. She just realizes we need to be professional but that she's hurt and needs a few days to cool off before she's ready to talk."

"Alright, If you say so."

Five minutes later, Spencer came back and sat, his usual, calm demeanor when doing paperwork, now stiff, rigid. There was a sudden buzzing from his hip and he nearly jumped out of his skin before reluctantly checking his phone. Prentiss was busy with a report, but Derek caught the ghostly pallor that came over his teammate. Then, his own phone buzzed. Derek closed his eyes and cursed in his mind before looking. A minute later he stood, walked to Spencer's desk and leaned against it.

"You okay man? You seem really tense."

"Uh, yeah, I just didn't sleep well. Guess I've been kind of stressed out lately."

Derek moved behind him and began to tentatively rub the slender man's shoulders.

"I know how you feel, but you need to relax. Can't have that brilliant mind of yours exhausted and unfocused." He said, now fully kneading Spencer's muscles.

Prentiss looked up at the comment and couldn't help but stare. After a minute, she watched Spencer's head lull and his eyes roll back. The sight was almost intimate and when the youngest spoke it bordered on inappropriate.

"Mmm, that feels good." He groaned. "Lower."

If Emily closed her eyes she would swear she was listening to a couple in the midst of foreplay judging by the sounds Reid was making. Soon he was hunched forward against his desk, Derek bent over him as his hands moved down his sides, thumbs working away at relieving the tension while Spencer continued to make obscene noises. She couldn't decide if the interaction was creepy or hot. About that time, JJ came down for coffee and stopped mid stride at the sound, and sight, of what was transpiring.

"God Reid, you're so tight." Derek breathed, hard at work.

JJ's mouth dropped open and Emily felt embarrassed for even being in the vicinity.

"Uhn, right there…harder…" Spencer moaned. "Ohhhhh…just like that…"

That was it. Emily stood up and walked briskly to the break room followed quickly by JJ.

"What the hell was THAT?" JJ asked, wide-eyed.

"I have no idea. Reid came back acting funny and then Morgan just, well, started..." She explained with a nod of her head in their direction.

"It was just…I mean it seemed so…"

"I know."

"You don't think…"

"Nah, it's probably just one of those weird things. You know, like when they crash on the couch playing cards, or when Reid always takes Morgan home when he's had too much to drink. Or when Morgan insists on staying with Reid when he's hurt, or even fending off skanky chicks trying to hook up with him at the bar…"

"I'm sorry Em, what point were you trying to make with all that?"

"Uh, that they're just close friends that sometimes…"

"Rub each other down at the office?"

"JJ! I'm sure it's nothing. We're just blowing things out of proportion. I mean, in all honesty, Reid I might question, but Morgan? Come on. Besides, if it were all that they wouldn't be so obvious about it."

JJ considered it.

"You're probably right. So is it wrong that I found that whole thing kinda sexy?"

"Yes." Prentiss replied, eyes glazing slightly as she replayed the incident in her mind.

"Uh-huh." JJ laughed. "God, I feel like a huge perv now."

"Don't feel bad. I might actually need to grab my go bag."

"Do I even wanna know?"

"Nope."

When the girls returned, the men were seated in their rightful chairs working diligently.

….

When lunchtime came, Hotch suggested they head to the diner down the way for a semi-decent meal, insisting they deserved a long lunch break for working as hard as they had been recently. Even though he was in an uncharacteristically good mood, and offered to pick up the tab, the girls opted to stay behind to eat with Garcia, who was still mourning in her office. Deciding it was something he didn't really want to get involved in, Hotch looked to Morgan and Reid as Rossi made his way into the bullpen.

"How about you two? It's not every day your boss is willing to foot the bill and hand out extended lunch time. Whaddya say?" Hotch asked with a rare grin.

"Definitely. Free food is a close second only to great sex. I'm in." Morgan stated, getting to his feet.

"Leave it to you to find a way to slip sex into a completely unrelated conversation." Reid scoffed, shaking his head.

"That's the point of sex Pretty Boy, to 'slip it in'." Morgan shot back, delighting in the flushed reaction he got from the doctor.

"You're so crass Morgan."

"Rather be crass than a tight ass."

"Please refrain from drawing attention to my posterior or its state of being while you indulge in inappropriate work topics."

"It was a figure of speech Reid. Besides, there's only one thing I would indulge in where your rear is concerned and that scenario includes my foo…"

"Hey Bert, Ernie, my good mood is swiftly depleting along with my patience. I'm hungry. Are you two coming or what?" Hotch grumbled.

"Bert and who?" Reid asked, grabbing his things.

"Bert and Ernie. You know, the muppet-like dudes from Sesame Street." Derek explained.

"…"

"Oh come on man, every kid since the seventies knows Bert and Ernie! They were always bickering. Bert was kinda stuffy, like you. Remember? There was all this controversy because they were roommates but shared a bedroom so everyone always joked about them being…HEY!" Morgan shouted, glaring at Hotch who looked far too smug.

"Joked about them being what?" Reid asked, once again feeling very out of the loop.

Hotch gave Rossi a look as they walked ahead to the elevators. It was obvious their elders had seen or at least heard about the impromptu massage earlier.

"I don't get the reference. What were they…"

"Forget it Reid." Morgan sighed, shaking his head.

"You know I can't just forget it. What was the…"

"Move along Reid."

"But…"

"We don't have all day guys!" Hotch hollered from the door.

"Yes sir." Reid called, hurriedly slinging his bag over his shoulder.

"Suck up." Morgan whispered.

"Trouble maker." Spencer retorted as they followed the two older men.

"Prude."

"Pervert."

"Know it all."

"Neanderthal."

"Bite me!"

"Maybe later."

A wide-eyed Derek smacked the back of a smirking Spencer's head as they approached the elevator.

….

The four men were seated in a booth at the back of the establishment waiting on their food. The conversation was light and at the moment, one Reid couldn't really participate in. Football.

"I couldn't believe they lost! That was the last bet I ever placed. I swear I put my buddy's kid through her first year at UC." Derek laughed.

"I read they have a good linguistics program there." Reid injected, desperate for a change of topic.

Rossi raised a brow at this.

"Are we feeling left out Doctor Reid?"

"I would think you'd be happy the conversation didn't involve sex or the 'state of your _posterior'_." Derek said, mocking Spencer playfully.

"Take that over sports." Spencer mumbled to himself.

"What was that cutie patootie?" Derek teased.

"I said you're a jerk."

"Aww, I just didn't want to upset your fragile sensibilities Reid. No offense was intended toward your poor, neglected hiney."

"Let's not discuss Reid's or anyone else's anatomy before I eat…or ever for that matter." Hotch warned.

"I've seen you wolf down a steak rare while studying crime scene photos and you're losing that formidable visage at the mention of a skinny little white boy's tush?"

"Yes."

"Hear that kid? Your butt just _CRACKED_ the best the FBI has to offer." Derek snickered, pun fully intended. "Would that qualify as an ASS-ault?"

"Shut up Morgan." Reid groaned in annoyance.

"I'm only playin' Pretty Boy. No need to get CHEEKY."

"Morgan, if you put half the focus into your paperwork as you do into Reid and his rump, your efficiency would double." Hotch cut in.

Hotch barely stifled his amusement at the disgruntled look Morgan was sporting at his comment.

"What's wrong Morgan? Can't handle being the BUTT of a joke?" Rossi prodded.

He opened his mouth to give a nasty retort, but instead asked for more coffee from the passing waitress, apparently having wisely decided to let it drop. He busied himself with preparing the new cup to his liking while Reid stared into his own and Rossi and Hotch discussed office politics.

Derek managed to keep a neutral face as he felt the solitary buzz against his hip. *Oh no…* He'd almost forgotten about Garcia's twisted brand of justice. Knowing that Spencer would likely be receiving a similar notice, he thought it would be suspicious if they both checked their phones. So, instead of being smart and simply excusing himself under the pretense of needing to use the men's room, he knocked a fork to the floor and ducked under the table to briefly check the text while 'retrieving' it. Sure enough, Spencer felt a similar buzz a moment later and his all too expressive eyes widened before he looked down, shifted and fumbled to discretely check his own phone now hidden in his lap.

Of course the boys were completely oblivious as to how the wordless actions appeared to their two elders across from them. Derek ducking under the table, Spencer's eyes growing large, body stiff, awkward shifting. Hmmmm…

There was a loud thud as the table shook and Morgan came back up rubbing his head a few moments later.

"Find what you were looking for?" Rossi questioned with a discerning look.

"Uh, yeah." Morgan answered, holding up the utensil, eyes glued to the table.

"Everything alright Reid?" Hotch asked, eyeing the young genius skeptically.

Spencer cleared his throat. "Yeah. Fine." He replied maybe an octave too high.

The waitress came with their food before anything else could be said on the matter.

…

"I can't believe you get offered a free meal and you order green cake." Derek said, taking another bite of his giant, triple paddy burger. "Do you ever eat real food?"

"It's key lime pie Morgan. And not everyone feels the need to inhale the equivalent of a cow every meal." Reid defended irritably. "Seriously, how can you even fit that much meat in your mouth?"

Rossi almost choked on a fry.

"Nothin' wrong with a healthy appetite Reid. Wouldn't hurt you to acquire one. Maybe you'd bulk up a bit."

"One muscle bound egocentric on the team is enough. Besides, I can hold my own."

"Against what? A strong gust of wind?"

Spencer glared at him. Derek chuckled and put his hands up in surrender.

"Do I have to separate you two?" Hotch chastised.

"No. That won't be necessary. Morgan should be hitting puberty any day now." Reid shot.

"This coming from the guy with footed penguin jammies and a USS Enterprise night light." Morgan laughed.

"I didn't know we'd be doubling up! And you promised not to tell anyone Mr. T boxer briefs!"

"Those were a gift!"

"So was the night light!"

Hotch and Rossi could only look on dumbfounded as the banter escalated.

Derek cupped Spencer's chin and cooed at him. "And what about the widdle penguins huh? Or da cutesy, wootzy Darth Vader toothbrush you bro…" He started, cut short by the fingers full of key lime shoved into his mouth. Acting quick, he bit down on the retreating digits just enough to trap them. Okay, so maybe a bit harder than that. Spencer hissed.

"Shurender?" Derek managed around the fingers.

"Ow! Yes! I surrender!"

Derek closed his lips around the pale intruders; hollowing his cheeks as Spencer all-too-slowly pulled his fingers completely out of the darker agent's mouth. Hotch and Rossi shifted uncomfortably, not sure if they were more embarrassed by their colleague's behavior in public or the undeniable sexual undertones of the scene playing out before them. Derek and Spencer finally broke eye contact as the slender man flexed his hand to ensure everything was still intact. When he looked back at Morgan, who was watching him intently, he laughed.

"What?" Morgan frowned.

"You've got…" Reid trailed as he reached up and swiped the bottom of the confused man's lip, showing him the green cream that he'd wiped away. Derek chuckled.

Hotch figured he'd had enough at that point. He opened his mouth to speak up but froze as he watched Spencer smile at his playmate before putting the finger with the stray bit of pie he'd cleaned off his face, into his own mouth, sucking on it a little too enthusiastically in the older man's opinion.

"Check please!"

…**.**

"You were shooting for humiliation right? Mission accomplished!" Derek shout-whispered inside the confines of Penelope's cave.

"So you think a harmless little backrub and some finger fellatio even come close to what I've suffered? No way. Besides, you're looking at this all wrong. I could have been very strict with my little prompts but I've given you enough leeway to meet the criteria in a way that could allow you to save some face and…"

"Save face? JJ can't keep a _straight_ face around us, Prentiss won't stop making comments just dripping with homoerotic subtext, Hotch won't even look me in the eye and I keep catching Rossi watching us from his office window like he's been appointed chief of the fucking profanity police! It doesn't matter what we do! Every interaction we've shared is under scrutiny and it's only been one day! We could get into real trouble here!"

"Shy of being caught fornicating on the clock, nothing will or has happened that my brilliant boys can't play off as innocent or purely circumstantial. Keep it up and you'll be fine. Of course, I can't say the same for your reputation as a bona-fide Don Juan, but that's actually quite fitting if I do say so myself."

"Penelope…I'm sorry. I really am. I never intended to hurt you. I meant well, I really did. But we're not responsible for what Kevin did. His cheating like that was…"

The once bubbly ray of sunshine in their otherwise dark and foreboding world heaved a giant sob as tears began to fill her sparkly eyes, soon coating her cheeks in their salty descent. Her lip quivered as she tried in vain to contain her growing despair, but the dam broke and the flood came as she transformed into grief personified. Derek watched in guilt ridden horror as her shoulders shook and her mascara ran and all he could do was hold her tight, rocking her in his arms.

"Shhh…it's okay Baby Girl. I didn't mean to…I understand."

"No you don't. It hurts so much Derek. You have no idea how much it hurts."

"Okay. It's gonna be okay mama. I get it. We'll help. We'll hold out awhile longer. Just calm down. I get it."

And he did. She wasn't thinking straight in her state and she felt like everyone was judging. Garcia at her best wouldn't care what others thought, but her self-esteem had taken a major blow and she just couldn't handle feeling like all eyes were on her. She didn't want the pain of feeling alone, so she had recruited company, which, as we all know, misery loves. She needed a focus and revenge was safer than vulnerability. At least with vengeance there was some semblance of power and control.

She would bounce back. He had faith in that. But for now, his guilt was sending his protective nature into overdrive and if they had to play along for a while, then so be it. She mattered more than any of the chumps with their petty, water cooler gossip anyway. And let's face it, a crying female won out every time where Derek was concerned. That and a certain puppy eyed doctor. He just hoped that she would cheer up soon, before the mess he'd gotten Reid into threatened to ruin yet another friendship. One he couldn't live without.

Or, you know, before Rossi staged an intervention.

**K, so if ya want, the last few will be posted about every other day from here on out. They're kinda random, but hey. Now, off to catch up on all the awesome fic y'all have posted that I've missed this week. Who needs sleep right? Your stories are so worth it. Can't wait to get back to Darkangel-Silvermoon's Drifting at Sea,** **Wicked Games by SugaKane01 and Seditionary! I love you and your work! How's Don't Shoot the Piano Player coming along? (hint hint) No pressure…Hahaha…I'm so gonna get my ass kicked…so many amazing stories that I've missed lately! **

**No wonder I've been in a foul mood. Withdrawal. **

**Three is on its way with some added pressure. This time I think I have to say…Poor Reid. But I assure you, everything gets resolved...eventually. And yes, Kevin is also, um, dealt with. :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**This one is kind of filler. Derek and Spencer finally talk about their predicament and another character is introduced…why? Just because. But I have fun with it on and off. So, it's a bit silly, a bit angsty and also kind of a turning point that sets us up for the next and final two chaps. Here we go…**

**Chapter Three **

Tuesday came and the two younger males on the team seemed a bit on edge as they noticed that everyone was acting a bit strangely around them. Sure, there had been a little back rub and some harmless finger sucking…okay, so it was weird. Way out of their norm. But did that justify the fact that their own boss couldn't seem to so much as look them in the eye? It was positively nerve wracking. But, despite the initial tension that morning, the whole team seemed to relax into the busy shuffle of paper work and business of the like.

Awhile in, when things seemed to be indicative of a nice, quiet day, their luck took a turn for the worse. Derek thought he might cry when his hip buzzed and he glanced down seeing it was from none other than the mischief maker herself. He took a very deep breath and read the message.

Derek walked into the break room where the resident genius was brewing a new pot of coffee. And of course, to make matters worse, Prentiss, JJ and a female member of some other team were sitting at the small table chatting over what he presumed had been the end of the last pot.

*I love Garcia, I love Garcia, I love Garcia…*

The mantra was beginning to piss him off more than calm him.

He smiled at the women and stepped up behind Reid peering over his shoulder. The younger man looked back at him warily before pouring his own fresh cup and reaching for the sugar. Derek snatched it up before he could. Spencer assumed that the senior agent was just being…well, himself, as he'd not received a text.

*What is he thinking? Everyone already has serious questions about the nature of our…well…relationship.*

He glared at him before sticking his hand out.

"Hand it over." He requested calmly.

"No."

"Morgan, you don't even use sugar."

"And you consume far too much. It isn't healthy."

"Give it."

"No."

"Come on man, I need my sugar." Spencer whined.

"You heard the man Morgan, give him some _sugar_." Prentiss teased and the women laughed.

The slender and grumpy agent glared at the brunette like her very existence was an affront to humanity.

"Give. Me. The. Sugar."

"Make me."

Spencer made a swipe for it but Derek was quicker.

"I swear to God Morgan, if you don't give it to me now…"

"You'll what? Lecture me to death?" He teased with a playful smirk.

Spencer decided he wasn't in the mood for banter and moved one hand swiftly toward the larger man's stomach who curled slightly while his other hand shot up and snatched the sugar back. Misdirection. Worked every time.

"You sneaky little…" Derek tried to grab the cylindrical, plastic container back but the kid's arms were longer and that extra inch of height didn't help. Not to be out done in front of the ladies,(who were now rolling with laughter) and because he kinda had to, Derek lunged forward and wound up flush against Spencer's ass who was now pinned between him and the counter.

"You know I'm gonna get it!" Derek taunted, grinding harder as he reached.

"No way!" His captive cried, trying to wiggle away.

He managed to squirm out from the vice-like position and turn when his friend caught him by the waist and they stumbled over each other's feet landing hard against the linoleum. The men were vaguely aware of laughing as they caught the breath that had been knocked from them and when Spencer's eyes refocused, he realized the weight against his body was Derek. And if that weren't awkward enough, the man was nestled very inappropriately between his legs. They looked like two horny teenagers caught making it in the back of a car.

Derek hadn't planned on this particular prompt being so embarrassing, it was supposed to be some questionable flirting and not so…. In his haste to get off of the slender body beneath him, he knocked JJ's arm, sending her now thankfully cooled coffee all over Reid's crotch.

"Dammit Morgan!" He hollered, getting to his feet as his assailant grabbed a wad of paper towels.

Derek couldn't stop apologizing as he thoughtlessly began patting down Spencer's pants.

"You don't have to do that man." Spencer said trying to step back.

"I've got it. It's my fault. I'm sorry." Derek repeated as he rubbed quickly at the mess.

"Morgan, seriously, I don't need…"

"Does coffee even wash out?" He asked, continuing to all but palm the young man.

"Morgan…"

"I'll pay for dry cleaning if there's any chance it…"

"Morgan, please!"

Derek froze. He suddenly saw the ladies wide eyes and shocked faces, heard their barely suppressed giggles, but mostly he _felt_…oops. Spencer turned bright red and rushed from the room.

….

Even though Derek had begged the girls not to tease Spencer and had apologized profusely, the teams youngest was understandably flustered. After changing and quickly completing what desk work he had, he spent a while down in the archives just trying to avoid any added humiliation. He kept telling himself rationally, not to let it get to him. Derek hadn't seemed angry by the unavoidable, um, response he'd had by having his most intimate region basically fondled. It wasn't his fault and he shouldn't feel ashamed, even if it had been his male co-worker and friend that had provoked such a reaction. No of course not. It could've happened to anyone. Didn't mean anything. Nope. Not a thing…

The tall man was brought out of his endless brooding by a familiar voice.

"Hey. How's it hangin'?"

Paul Handcock was on another team, but Spencer had worked with him on occasion. Honestly, the man gave him the creeps. He wasn't bad looking and he had a nice smile, but the way his eyes raked over Spencer's body and lingered too long on him like some predator ready to pounce its pray, never failed to make his skin crawl. It seemed that more often than not, when Reid came here to research, if Paul's team was in the building, the man would find his way there as well.

"What? What's hanging?" Reid asked, shifting back a bit to gain distance.

Paul's eyes glanced at the geniuses groin briefly. "It's just an expression." He replied with a lazy smile. "I was just asking…how you are."

"Oh. Um...fine." Spencer answered with a tight smile, gathering his things.

"What's the hurry?"

"I, uh, I'm done here. I have more work waiting for me at my desk." He lied.

Paul closed the distance until only a stack of folders were between them.

"You owe me."

"What?"

"Last month, when we were both assisting on that local case, I mentioned the new art gallery opening. You said you'd been meaning to check it out. When I offered to take you, you said you were busy. Asked for a rain check."

"Yeah…I _**have**_been really busy. Sorry. Maybe some other time." Reid said attempting to side-step the older man.

"Why not tonight? We're both in town. I hear they have the featured artist painting nude models live for charity. I'm sure they'd make a bundle off _you_." Paul said with a lecherous grin.

Before Spencer could even formulate a response that didn't involve kneeing the guy and running like hell, his phone buzzed. There was a case.

"I-I've gotta go." He said, darting around the walking sexual harassment suit and toward the elevator.

"You know, I do some painting myself…" Paul called after him with a chuckle, eyeing the taut little ass of Spencer's retreating form.

….

Derek had noticed the skittish behavior at once, but chalked it up to the incident from earlier. Strangely, once they were on the jet, the genius had calmed considerably. They were in for a long flight to the west coast and everyone was already pretty beat. After reviewing the details of the case, they all split off, Emily and JJ playing Gin Rummy, Hotch still looking over the file, Rossi typing away at his laptop, no doubt working on the latest book. They were on a case so the two men felt the relief of temporary reprieve from Garcia's vengeful clutches. No sooner did the comforting thought pass through their tired minds than their phones buzzed.

*FUCK*

….

The case was relatively easy to solve, but there had been a few hang ups along the way. Garcia hadn't felt that professionalism ranked above her need for "justice" and where Morgan had wanted to tell her that a case was no time for games, his guilt was still eating away at him. Aside from one incident at a crime scene, nothing seemed to happen while they were actually working. Reid hadn't spoken unless necessary, just going along with it all which had worried Morgan more than a little. It was like he'd resigned himself to the situation. Like he was broken and it no longer mattered. He didn't even react to any questioning looks or teasing remarks from anyone regarding their seemingly circumstantial plights. Instead, he focused harder than ever on the case which had actually proven to be what busted the whole thing wide open.

Thursday night they arrived back in Quantico and everyone headed their own directions deciding that paperwork could wait.

"I suggest everyone go home and get some rest. It was a long couple days." Hotch had said, eyeing the two younger males pointedly.

The girls had snorted softly sharing nudges as Morgan raked a hand over his tired face and Reid spun on his heel ready to get the hell home.

….

When Spencer walked in late Friday, everyone was a bit surprised, but not as surprised as they were by his appearance. He was unshaven, hair unruly in a very debauched and on purpose kind of way, a solid black, form fitting, button down with the top few buttons open drawing attention to his long, delicate neck while enhancing the fairness of his skin by contrast and accentuating the hollows of his perfectly sculpted features. The tight fitting, dark blue jeans he was sporting did amazing things for his afore mentioned posterior, or at least that's what everyone assumed, because even though he was walking toward them at the moment, the random folks in the bullpen that he passed seemed to focus far too much attention on it.

JJ took one look at him and stumbled when her ass missed Prentiss's desk and the brunette agent herself sputtered and choked on the coffee she'd been drinking. Morgan openly stared with his mouth hanging open, his eyes blinking rapidly as if the GQ-esque looking man before them were an apparition brought on by too much red dye number three in all the Hot Tamale candies Reid shared with him.

*You really are what you eat.*

Spencer didn't spare a glance before plopping down at his desk with a mumbled "Morning."

A good ten seconds ticked by as everyone watched him while he separated files and clicked on his computer. Then in unison they all addressed him.

"Reid? Spence? Pretty Boy?"

Spencer looked up with an indignant sigh just deciding to get the jokes over with.

"What?" He stated more than asked.

"Uh…you okay?" JJ questioned, wide eyed.

"If you're referring to my attire, I was tied up with paper work and forgot to move my laundry over. It was either come in late or wear this and the collar is too tight so I had to forgo a tie altogether. It's not that big of a deal, Rossi wears jeans all the time and…"

"Oh no, it's a very big deal Reid. You look like you just stepped out of a magazine. And I'm sure I speak for everyone in the building when I say it's a good thing it's not your norm or no work would ever get done because, GRRRRROWL!" Prentiss explained, complete with a low purr and a swipe of her claws.

Spencer's eyebrows shot up and he shifted uncomfortably under the hungry gazes of his own teammates. "I uh, hardly think that I'm…"

"Oh yes you are! I'm surprised you made it all the way here Spence. Have you not seen the looks you're getting? Tell him Morgan. He listens to you." JJ shot in the all too quiet agent's direction."

Derek blinked and shook his head before scooting his chair toward his own desk and commenting. "You should burn those clothes man."

Spencer scowled and looked down at the file open before him, then got up and headed to the restroom.

"Derek, you ass! You're the one that told him not one week ago that he would get more ladies if he dressed his age!"

"I said he'd catch more bees with honey JJ. And dressed like that…kids's gonna get swarmed." Derek said under his breath.

"Ah, so you're worried about competition?" Prentiss goaded.

"No. Just…don't think he's ready for that kind of attention."

"Uh-huh." Prentiss laughed, exchanging an amused look with JJ.

"Well, you'd better go tell him that or you're going to have two friends not speaking to you. You know he has confidence issues and you've probably just made him feel more insecure than he already did." JJ scolded.

Derek huffed and got to his feet.

Spencer was miserable. He didn't know how much longer he could do this. As he washed his hands at the bathroom sink, he let his mind go crazy with the possibilities of what else they would have to endure to appease their crafty, devious, manipulative, vengeful friend.

It had been five days of twitching paranoia every time his phone went off. Humiliation, odd looks and hushed whispers from team mates and several officers. They'd been on that case for two days, which hadn't even been a slight reprieve. The tormenting texts didn't instruct anything that couldn't be explained away rationally, but to the eyes of those closest to them, was enough not to go unnoticed. And now this. When the door to the lavatory opened, he stopped ringing his hands under the scalding hot stream and turned off the water.

"Garcia have anything to do with the new style?"

"What do you think? This outfit is absolutely mortifying."

"Well, considering she knows this would be humiliating to _you_…yes. But then why didn't she tell me to dress like a gee…" He paused before he could finish the derogatory word they both knew was coming. "Uh, look, what I said out there, I didn't mean you look bad. Actually, you look great. I guess I was just…"

"Save it."

The larger man paused looking down guiltily before changing tactics.

"You okay?" He asked cautiously.

"No. No, I'm not. And don't act like you _are_ Morgan."

"It'll be over soon kid. She just feels humiliated and betrayed right now. Let's give her a couple more days and we'll talk to her. That'll be a week of payback. Plenty enough for her to forgive."

"Look, I get why she's upset, but this is going too far. The backrub wasn't so bad. Even the obscene finger fornication in front of our superior could have been worse than him not looking either of us in the eye for two days. But beyond that, everyone was already hyper vigilant. Every little thing was misconstrued even without the help of Garcia's little assignments! But the "_accidental_" sleep cuddling on the jet, the supposed "_misunderstanding_" leaving us ONE SUV at the air strip prompting me to insist on sitting in your lap, the reenactment at the first crime scene with yet more awkward wrestling that even had Rossi blushing and tripping over himself, the pickle debacle at lunch in front of the town sheriff, the broken television in the room we had to share that was stuck on maximum volume and only played some porn channel with our boss in the room next door…need I continue?"

"Reid,"

"And don't tell me that couldn't have been her because I know the universe isn't that cruel Morgan! She did it! Somehow, I don't know how, but she did! She's everywhere! Probably watching by satellite! I bet she even had the room bugged! I can feel her right now, listening, watching, and plotting!"

"Calm down!" Morgan growled, hands grasping Reid's shoulders.

"Calm down? What's there to be calm about? The entire team thinks we're…we're…"

"I know Reid. I've been there. Every step of the way. Don't you think it's killing me?"

"That's my point! People you work with, your friends, not only questioning your orientation, but thinking that you would start anything with me of all people! I'm sure that makes it so much worse!"

"Nah man…dammit…the part that's killing me is that I got you into this mess and now you're being forced to engage in unwanted contact with me. That every time this phone goes off I know I'll give in and hurt one person I care about to make things right with another."

Spencer stood in shocked silence for a moment. He hadn't considered that would be a way Derek might view this. He saw the whole situation as frustrating, embarrassing, unprofessional, unfair, but he didn't feel like a victim. Well, not a victim of Derek's anyway. And definitely not in the way he was suggesting. Sure, he wasn't one for excessive physical contact, let alone in public, but that wasn't even the real issue. (Aside from the unexpected physiological reaction to getting his front rubbed down by his best friend) He'd felt the same that _he_ did. That it was forced, intrusive, and damaging to someone he cared about. It was bad enough feeling like his participation was an embarrassment to Derek, but knowing now that he felt like he was abusing the younger man in some way made Spencer's heart break.

"Morgan, you aren't hurting me." Reid assured softly.

"You said it yourself. All of it. Everything is my fault and you got roped in. Guilt by association. And now you're suffering assault after assault for this shit."

"Assault? Why are you taking it so far? Morgan, it's not like that. I've never felt like you were…"

"No, this is stupid. I'm putting an end to it. It's gone on long enough. If she wants to end our friendship over this then I'll just have to live with that. I'm not doing this to you anymore. It's not fair." Derek said with steel resolve, eyes hardened in determination as he headed to the door.

"Morgan…Derek!"

The larger man stopped and turned slightly to look at Spencer who was rushing forward to put a hand against the only exit.

"Are you sure the fact that it's me you're forced to do these things with isn't what's disturbing you?"

"Reid, I could honestly care less who people think I'm involved with. And there's nothing wrong with you. For all the teasing I do, it's strictly for reaction. I don't mean anything by it. You should really give yourself a hell of a lot more credit than you do. I'm sorry if I've had anything to do with why you seem to think you aren't good enough sometimes. You're one of a kind and if people actually believe you'd want anything to do with an old dawg like me, well, I'd think they would be questioning your standards, not mine."

"Morgan, you've never made me feel inferior. I know that when you tease me it's out of fondness or concern. I'm okay with it because it's nice that you include me at all. Nice that you care enough to bother. Yes, this is a bit embarrassing to say the least, but mostly because I figured it was hard on you due to the fact I'm a man and well, ME. If you're really more concerned that I've been feeling violated by you, then don't be. It doesn't feel that way to me. I know what the score is and if anything we're in this together. So, for the sake of our wounded, if not very unstable friend, we can give it more time if you think it'll help any. If you can stomach it that is. I know how much she means to you."

"She does mean a lot to me. But so do you. It's getting ridiculous, but if you really mean what you said, I would be grateful to you for hangin' on a little longer. Besides, the work week is about over anyway and then we all go our separate ways. So if she tries to keep it up Monday, I'll put an end to it then."

"Agreed."

"Thank you Reid. I'm really sorry about getting you into this. I'll find a way to make it up to you."

"Don't mention it." He breathed a soft laugh. "Parts of it have actually been kind of fun."

"Fun?"

"Yeah, like the look on Hotch's face when you sucked the pie off my fingers and Rossi falling over himself during the crime scene reenactment when I straddled you…priceless." He grinned.

"Devious! Kid, I love Penelope but I think you may have just topped her in the rankings." Derek chuckled, throwing his arm around Spencer as they exited the bathroom. "By the way, I see my tight ass assessment was right on, those jeans really are just begging for someone to grope that butt."

"Yeah, well, if Garcia has any say, I'm sure that someone will be you."

"No doubt."

….

The boys headed back toward the bullpen to finish up the post-case reports before hopefully heading out for a well-deserved weekend. Rossi passed them to use the restroom, being more than obvious about his observance of its recent occupants. Derek dropped his arm from Spencer's shoulders clearing his throat.

"Dave." He said with a nod.

"Morgan." Rossi shot back, eyeing the younger men. "I thought going to the restroom in groups was a chick thing."

"Well, someone had to help Reid out. These pants are practically vacuum sealed." Derek smiled easy, tugging a snug belt loop for emphasis as the older man's mouth worked wordlessly.

"NOT helping our case Morgan!" Spencer hissed once Rossi stumbled into the bathroom out of earshot.

"What? May as well have fun with it right? Like you said. And let's face it Reid, you're already a shoe in for queen of the Quantico ball."

"Me! And what does that make you?"

"King of course."

"And why am I the queen!"

"Simple. You'd look better in a dress princess." Derek retorted, barley dodging a slap to the head.

"I hope she does have you grab my butt. Then I can slap you on principal alone."

"You'd really slap me in front of everyone?"

"Absolutely."

"Damn."

"Hey, I can't have people thinking I'm that kind of girl." Spencer smirked, sauntering back to the bullpen ahead of Derek.

"There's a whole other side to you Dr. Reid." The older man said with a grin.

….

"You two kiss and make up?" Prentiss teased.

"Now, now Prentiss, you know I don't kiss and tell."

"So he denied you huh?"

"What can I say? It takes more than heartfelt apologies by a urinal to romance a genius."

"Maybe another back rub?" Prentiss winked.

"Or another drink mishap." JJ grinned.

"Ha. Ha. Who stole my chair?" Spencer asked, clearly un-amused.

"Hmmm, that's odd…maybe Morgan'll let you sit in his lap again."

"How's this, you can bring me my chair so I can get back to work, or you can spend all of this free time you seem to have explaining to Strauss why there's a video of you two making out on Youtube."

"You wouldn't!" JJ exclaimed.

"That was a dare!" Prentiss argued.

Spencer quirked a brow at them accompanied by a sly smile.

His chair was returned.

Derek laughed until he cried.

The teasing ceased.

**Yep, so everything gets resolved in the final two coming up. Of course, the next two are almost like a separate story. Well, kind of. You'll see what I mean. Anyway, thanks again to all of you lovely folks who are kind enough to take the time to R/R. Super-duper, cyber hugs to you! You rock my world!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here we are, Chapie before last. Not really any of the prompting from before as Garcia's freaky, secret cyber world has kept her otherwise preoccupied, but the snowball effect has kicked in and now the boys find themselves with other…consequences to face. **

**BTW, I just realized this fic has been a shameless dedication to Reid's ass…I'm sorry. No I'm not. Have you SEEN that thing? God! I so just wanna …quit being a pervert and let you get on with the story. :)**

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Sometime later, Morgan went to run off a few forms Hotch had requested. When he hit the button to scan the last sheet, the epitome of sleaze stepped up beside him. Ugh. He really didn't like Paul Handcock. Honestly, he had no real good reason not to. Well, aside from the way the guy always seemed to be mentally undressing his best friend. He knew Reid was a big boy and could take care of himself, even when it came to the likes of Paul and he didn't think the guy would actually do anything, but that didn't stop Morgan from wanting to pop his head like a giant zit.

"Hey Morgan."

"Paul."

Morgan lifted the lid of the scanner to retrieve his document. He was just about to reach for the copy when Paul once again addressed him.

"So, I was curious, between us guys, are you and Doctor Reid involved?" He asked, leaning against the wall facing the mocha man.

"_Excuse_ me?"

"Well, Charlene, Agent Thomas I mean, told me about what happened in the break room the other day. And I think everyone saw the little massage you gave him on Monday. I just figured maybe that's why he hasn't accepted the invitation to hop aboard my love boat."

*More like walking the plank.* Derek thought.

Morgan took a deep breath while he considered every violent act he would love to visit upon various parts of Paul's anatomy.

"I don't know what to tell you man, maybe you just aren't his type." He replied as calmly as he could manage.

"So then you two aren't slappin' skin?"

"What? He's my best friend man! And I don't even think he swings that way, okay?" Morgan spat, snatching the paper from the tray.

"Maybe not…but a guy that pretty is definitely worth persuading." Paul said, voice lust laden as he stared in Reid's direction.

Morgan clenched his free fist. Nobody called Reid pretty. That was his. He then noticed Paul gawking at his teammate as if he were a juicy cut of grade A meat. He even licked his lips.

"Yeah, well, good luck with that Pauley." Morgan said gruffly, slapping his shoulder a bit too hard. "But while on your mission of persuasion just keep one thing in mind. If you ever encroach on his personal rights or hurt him in any way…" He stated leaning in. "You'll be dealing with me." He concluded, walking away.

The next few hours passed without incident, well, Garcia induced anyway. The glittering tech genius remained uncharacteristically quiet which the two men figured was torture in and of itself. But that didn't stop Derek from planting a firm slap to Spencer's ass when he was bent over at his desk searching a drawer. When the younger man let out a yelp of surprise, Derek pointed a finger at him.

"Quit waving it around, everyone's staring."

"So you felt spanking me was the best way to deter them?"

"Hey, better me than Paul over there. Dude needs a bib." He pointed out. "Or a restraining order." He added darkly.

Spencer glanced at the agent in question who winked at him in return causing the young profiler to shudder.

"That's what ya get for bein' a tease."

"But I didn't…"

"Whatever man, just keep your butt in the chair before I have to go over there and kick his."

Spencer snorted expecting a trademark smile from the other man confirming the joke his tone failed to indicate, but he just stalked away without so much as a glance back.

*He was kidding…right?*

….

A short time later, Garcia finally emerged from her cave acting like she had a new lease on life.

"Everybody free tonight? I'm having a little shin dig at my place. Sort of a viva la independence from two-timing, dead-men-walking deal. It's a working title. You'll all be joining me?" She more stated than asked.

"Actually Baby Girl, I have…" Derek stopped short at the death glare he was given. "Um, absolutely no plans tonight and would love to come."

She switched her flesh melting rays onto Spencer next.

"I, uh," He glanced at Derek, whose eyes were both pleading and apologetic. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

When she looked to the two other women in the group they instantly nodded with tight smiles.

"Good. I'm going to go extend the invite to Hotch and Rossi. Everyone bring something for the snack table!" She called back, already nearing Rossi's hideaway.

"I'm taking off." Morgan mumbled.

"We've still got two hours left before we can go…" The genius informed, trailing off as he looked from his watch to his friend.

"I have some things to do before the puppet show and I plan on stocking up on enough liquor to dull the pain in my ass that is Penelope Garcia." Derek explained.

"Ah. Um, are you sure getting inebriated is a good idea considering…"

Derek gave him a look.

"Right. Pick me up some scotch?" Spencer added, handing the older man some cash.

"You got it."

….

When Derek showed up at Garcia's place he dumped the two bags of liquor on the kitchen counter and turned to see the hostess herself sashaying in from a back room with a smile on her face.

"Hello my sexy Harlequin Hunk!"

"That's a new one. Glad to see you're in a better mood." He replied, kissing her cheek.

"Oh honey, it's amazing what cyber-sex can do for the broken hearted. Well, that and the delicious comical styling's of my two favorite boys."

"About that, Penelope, I…"

"Hey Garcia, Rossi wants to know if you have any lemon pepper for the chicken." JJ asked, poking her head in from the back yard.

"Yes I do my pretty little chickadee! Right here!"

"I thought Hotch was the grill master." Derek said, as JJ grabbed the spice jar from Garcia.

"He couldn't make it. He promised Jack he'd take him to that new Chipmunk movie. Hey, where's Spence?"

"He isn't here yet?" Morgan asked, concern tinting his voice.

"Nope. He was still at the office when I left. Said he'd be along soon. Though, that was some time ago."

"I'm here, I'm here. Sorry, I knocked but nobody answered. Figured you were in the back so I let myself in." Spencer said, heading straight for the bottle Morgan had purchased for him.

"Wow Reid, hardly a hello and you're already hittin' the booze. Everything alright?"

"Yeah. Everything's just dandy." He replied, all too interested in the bottle of amber liquid.

"Dandy? Are you sure…" Derek started.

"Dinner is served ladies and gentlemen!" Rossi called, entering with a platter full of chicken.

….

(An hour and a half later in the back yard Tiki Zone)

"No way am I playing Truth or Dare with you lot again!" JJ bellowed.

"Oh come on!" Garcia pleaded.

"Nope! I'm with JJ. Not gonna happen. Last time I had to make out with her and it's still being used as blackmail!" Prentiss complained, pointedly glaring at Reid.

"Fine! So then I guess Spin the Bottle is out?" Garcia asked sweetly.

"Yes!" The whole group exclaimed in unison.

"You guys are NO fun! Okay, how about a drinking game?"

"Like?"

"I've never?"

"Ugh, we played that six months ago and you all still haven't let me live down that round about Strauss." Rossi grimaced.

"You're the one that drank when Morgan said 'I've never kissed Strauss'."

"For the last time, I thought he said a mouse! I had a pet mouse when I was young!" Rossi defended.

"Uh-huh. Was its name Erin?" Morgan laughed.

"Minnie. And I loved her dearly." Rossi stated matter-of-factly.

"Why would he ask if anyone had kissed a mouse Dave?" Prentiss questioned.

"I don't know! You crazy kids are into all kinds a weird shit these days."

"_We're_ into weird shit? Be it Strauss or a rat you're the one that drank man." Morgan teased.

"I'm nowhere near drunk enough for this conversation or the visuals it inspires." Reid mumbled.

"Me either. Are we going to play anything or what?" Rossi bitched. "If I wanted bickering I would have gone out for drinks with my ex."

"Which one?" Prentiss winked.

"Take your pick." Rossi winked back.

"How about a card game?" Spencer asked hopeful.

"Boring!" Garcia sang.

"Not strip poker." Morgan said with a brow wiggle.

"_**Definitely**_ nowhere near drunk enough for that!" Spencer protested.

"Another drink for the doctor STAT!" Garcia shouted.

"Not happening."

"Nah, besides, we'd be here till Monday if we waited for Reid to extract himself from those jeans. They're so tight he's got ball cleavage." Prentiss giggled.

"What?" Spencer yelped, looking down self-consciously, causing everyone to laugh."

"Prentiss, you're just jealous his ass got more attention today than yours has all year." Morgan shot.

"From you maybe." She shot back.

"Can we take the focus off my butt _please_?" Spencer asked, trying to change the subject.

"I don't know, it seems to be a special point of interest for Morgan these days." Rossi jabbed.

"I've got it!" Garcia announced before Derek could say something he'd regret.

…..

"Five knuckle shuffle!"

"Gherkin jerkin'!"

"Buffin' the muffin'!"

"Double clicking the mouse!"

"The clam dip!"

"Burp the worm!"

"…"

"Morgan drinks again!" JJ announced, delightedly.

"It's not fair! I call for a seating switch! It's distracting going after Reid! It's too weird hearing him shout masturbation euphemisms! How do you even KNOW so many man?"

"I'm not as naïve as everyone thinks I am."

"And familiarity with the topic probably doesn't hurt." Rossi sneered.

"Hey! I occasionally peruse modern reading material. I got sick of being so out of the loop in social situations with you people. At least I try."

"What the hell have you been reading? Yogurt Slingers Daily?" Prentiss snorted.

"No!"

"Yogurt slinging? Damn, that's a good one. I'll have to remember that." Morgan noted.

"Okay, okay, switching categories…"

"And seating arrangements." Morgan added.

"Hey, you sat next to him. It's not our fault that hearing Reid talk about sex gets you all flustered."

"Dammit Prentiss!"

"Children! Next round!" JJ chided.

"Bathroom first." Derek declared.

"Remember if ya shake it more than twice you're playing with it!" Prentiss yelled, receiving the finger.

"If you do make drain babies, you'd better flush! And don't dribble on the seat!" Garcia added with a slur.

Everyone took the opportunity to refresh their drinks and grab more snacks.

"So Reid, you didn't bring anything and you sure as hell didn't go home to change clothes, so why were you so late?"

"I was working."

"But you said you were leaving soon. You were starting to pack up when I left." JJ stated.

"Yeah, and you hit the liquor so fast something must have happened."

"Nope."

"Come on Reid."

"Fine. Car trouble." He said, clearly annoyed.

"You didn't drive here?"

"I took the train alright?"

"Why didn't you call one of us?" JJ pushed.

"I didn't want to hang around waiting JJ." He replied tightly.

"And why would that be little Einstein?" Garcia asked innocently.

"Gee, I don't know, maybe because Paul Handcock wanted to show me the true origins of his last name!" The genius hissed.

"What! Kid, did that guy try anything?" Derek chimed in gruffly having appeared behind Spencer, causing him to jump.

"Um…no…"

"Reid…"

Spencer sighed.

"He just stepped up behind me at the elevator and said "Handcock. It's more than a name." in a husky voice before brushing what I think was his hand across my…uh…backside. I said I'd forgotten something and took the back stairs, but he was waiting by my car."

"What you THINK was his hand?"

"Well, I hope it was…better than the alternative."

"That slimy, sonofa…"

"My, my Derek, getting awfully worked up aren't we?"

"Penelope, I love you but this is just…"

"Very personal for Morgan. He just doesn't like to see anyone in his family taken advantage of." Spencer offered, trying to defuse the situation peacefully.

"But especially our little genius right Morgan?" Rossi cut in as he walked back outside, Penelope in tow.

"Just give her tonight Morgan. She seems to be doing a bit better. She left us alone most of the day."

"She's just biding her time, building energy. I can feel it. And that SOB molesting you by the elevator? Following you? This is officially out of hand."

"It's not that different from the rest of the week. Except, this guy wasn't coerced. His sentiment was genuine. Wrong, but at least I can pass it off as flattering once my gag reflex is back under control."

"Are you kidding me? He's an asshole! You really didn't feel violated by him?"

"Of course I did but…"

"Then you did feel violated by me."

"No…"

"Well you said it was no different kid. So which is it?"

"I didn't mean it that way Morgan, it came out wrong. I meant generally speaking one evil versus another…"

"I'm an evil now?"

"No! Would you stop twisting my…"

"Forget it." Derek spat and stormed out the back door.

"Trouble in paradise?" Rossi asked with a smug smile as Derek came outside in a huff.

"Fuck you Dave." He growled.

"Derek!" Prentiss warned.

"Hey! I've been pretty quiet lately considering the spectacle you two have been putting on, but I draw the line at insubordination." Rossi said indignantly.

"Well I guess it's a good thing I'm not your subordinate."

"I've been at the game a lot longer than you kiddo. The job, love and life in general and if you think…"

"You ran away from the job, failed at three marriages and keep publishing self-important drivel for a fan base of wanna be FBI groupies that couldn't pass the 'print your name here' portion of the application. Exactly which part gives you the right to school me Rossi?"

"Listen here you hypocritical little shit, I'm one of the original profilers in case you'd forgotten. I helped pave the way for snot nosed, hot shots like you. I stuck with the job until I was wise enough to take a well-deserved break. I've never seen you read anything that wasn't case related so I'm willing to bet my work hasn't been an exception. As for love, I may not have found my ever after but at least I had the balls to keep getting on the old white horse in search of it while guys like you play it safe back at the stable with one night 'role in the hay May' instead of getting over yourself long enough to go for what you really want. So don't lecture me on perceived life failures. I have the courage to go all in instead of cashing in my chips before I've even played a hand."

"Wow Rossi, anymore mixed metaphors you can throw in there to hide the fact that you don't know what the hell you're talking about? Maybe Reid could teach you some sleight of hand to perform as an added diversion."

"From what I hear Handcock already performed that with him earlier. And if there's one thing I don't like it's sloppy seconds."

"You sorry ass sonofabitch!" Derek hollered as fists started flying and teammates started screaming.

….

Sometime later, the two men were sitting outback on the porch, nursing their wounds while Reid and the girls were inside glaring at them through the glass door. Now everyone was pissed at Derek and all he could do was sit and sulk like a kid in time out. Which he was. Penelope and JJ had ruled it. They weren't allowed to move until they apologized to each other. The silence was stretching as they both sat there too stubborn to speak. Finally, after a small eternity, as Derek was calculating his chances of scaling the wall, clearing out his bank account and heading to Guatemala before Garcia could freeze said accounts, Rossi broke in.

"So, when are you going to tell him?"

"Tell who what?"

"Reid. I don't know what's been going on but if you were already together I wouldn't think you two would be as obvious as you have been."

"Don't start again Rossi." Derek griped, giving his bloody nose another swipe with a towel.

"I'm not. Look, I shouldn't have said what I did about him. He's a good kid. But I meant what I said about taking chances. You should just go for it." Rossi sighed, shifting the frozen packet of peas on his swollen eye.

"Go for what? There's nothing to go for. Especially where Reid and I concerned."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Rossi, I know things have seemed strange this week, what with all of the questionable…"

"Yeah. They have been. And I'm not the only one who's noticed. But I've managed to rationalize damn near all but one."

"This outta be good."

"In the bullpen earlier today you smacked Reid's rump."

"So? It was a joke."

"Maybe. But it's what happened before that I couldn't explain away."

"What? Me doing paper work? I may be known to slack once in a while Rossi but…"

"No. You looked up from your file and watched him. Looked at him like you were drinking in every detail. Then you noticed Paul admiring a certain part of his anatomy and boy if looks could kill…"

"You obviously misinterpreted…"

"Not that anyone could blame Paul. I mean, even as a straight man I couldn't help but sneak a peek. Who knew Reid had an ass like an eighteen year old gymnast? You could bounce a quarter off that thing. Hell, from behind, with the long hair, you could almost pretend…"

"Rossi, I suggest you shut your damn mouth right now because if you keep talking about him like that I swear to God I'll break your fucking jaw."

Dave raised a brow at him and waited.

"Asshole." Derek spat. "Doesn't mean anything."

"Of course not. Not a thing."

"Man, even if what you're implying were the case, he could do so much better than me. Besides, after our little backyard brawl I doubt he's willing to hear anything either of us has to say. By the way…I'm sorry about what I said too. I get why you stepped away from the job and why relationships suffer because of it. Partly why I never bothered with one myself."

"And my books?"

Derek just pressed his lips together and averted his eyes.

"Right. Look, no apology necessary. And stop with this ridiculous attitude where your worth is concerned. Spencer may have many virtues but he's not the only one. You two have a lot more in common than you realize. And even in your differences you bring out the best in one another. You complement each other perfectly. Petty hang-ups aside, what matters is that the foundation is already there. A strong one. And I think you'll regret not building on it."

Derek sent Dave a skeptical side-glance.

"When did you become Dr. Phil?"

"Oh please, that hack? I've read more insightful fortune cookies. Derek, it doesn't take some eccentric doctor to see what's going on here. But in your case, it definitely takes one to make you happy. So what are you going to do about it?"

Derek groaned and dropped his head.

"I can't believe I'm having a heart to heart with a guy that just punched me in the head."

"I'm just hoping it knocked some sense into you."

"So what the hell am I supposed to say? 'Hey buddy, you know when I call ya pretty I mean it?' Or maybe next time we share a room I could just ask, 'Wanna conserve water?' or hell, I could go with the less subtle approach and just say, 'By the way Spence, that wasn't my phone digging into your hip when we were wrestling at the crime scene.' Shit, I should just go for broke and tell him 'That outfit you're wearing makes me wanna bend you over the first available surface and…"

"Morgan, I may be supportive but there're just some things I _**really**_ don't need to know." Rossi winced.

"I don't even know how he feels Dave."

"Funny, I would have thought that with all of the physical contact this week you would know exactly how I '_**feel'**_."

Derek spun around from his seat on the porch to see Spencer leaning by the back door. He then looked back at a smirking Rossi.

"You couldn't have told me he was standing there?"

"I probably could have…but my vision was impaired by the black eye someone gave me."

"Lucky I don't give you a matching one." Derek grumbled under his breath.

"Well, I think these peas are about cooked. Guess I'll go give the green beans a try." Rossi announced, getting to his feet, patting Derek's shoulder along the way.

"How long were you standing there?" Morgan asked once they were alone.

"Not long. How's your nose?"

"Lucky for me Rossi punches like Hotch kicks. I thought you were pissed at me." Derek said standing up and brushing himself off.

"I am. And I'm leaving. I just wanted to tell you something before I go."

"Oh." Derek said, failing to mask his disappointment.

Spencer leaned in close to his ear.

"A firm ass isn't the only thing I have in common with an eighteen year old gymnast."

Spencer stepped back and smiled wickedly at an open mouthed Derek.

"Oh, and as long as we're being honest, that thing I did with the pickle at lunch Thursday…wasn't actually Garcia's doing." He grinned, walking inside.

*Holy shit*

**M rating in T-minus three days! I'll post the final chapter that I like to refer to as "the after party" along with a nice little epilogue Monday night. I know I said every other day, but I just realized I'm off a day and the weekend is here. Bad time to post. Not too many people on. Then, I'm attempting to stay away from the curse of the multi-chapter fic for a bit. Seems whenever I write one, life in the real world goes wonky. It's strange. :S So I'll just read yours!**

**In the last one, Derek shows his concern for Spencer's health, Kevin finally gets his just deserts and we find out about a new section of the FBI building. LOL. (You'll get why I'm laughing later) Okay, again, thank you to those who have read this and to those of you who have stuck with me and so kindly reviewed. Love you guys! You make the time trying to write when I should be sleeping worth it. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hahaha…talk about laziness, I just realized that I didn't include the fact that Spencer caught a ride home from someone for any of you that might get confused with this first part. I just didn't feel like screwing with it once it was done and I remembered. Oops. Please forgive me. :P **

**So here it is. The final chapter. I'm presenting it to you Vanna White style…okay, so I'm not gorgeous like her, but I'm also not the focus so just ignore my pale, awkward limbs flailing gracelessly about. I hope it's not a letdown! (The story, not my human reflector-like flesh) I may blind you in the sun, but if you were ever stranded and needed to signal a plane, I'd come in handy. :) Why am I still talking? **

**CHAPTER FIVE/Epilogue**

It took Derek precisely twenty-two minutes and thirty-seven seconds to apologize, politely excuse himself from the gathering, and break every speed limit before he was pulling haphazardly into a parking spot at Spencer's apartment complex. From there, it was roughly fifty-six seconds before he was standing at the genius's door knocking insistently at the wood and metal barrier. When the lock disengaged and it cracked open, He was greeted by a shirtless, lithe, young body, still sporting the indecently, tight jeans. His breath caught in his throat and his own pants suddenly seemed too snug.

"Can I help you agent Morgan?" Spencer asked coyly.

"I'm, uh, actually here to help you." Derek claimed, unable to take his eyes off the expanse of flawless, porcelain skin before him.

"Oh, really? And what is it you think you can help me with?"

"Your circulation. You don't really think you could get those things off safely by yourself do you?"

"Ah. So you're just a good friend concerned for my…well being?"

"Something like that."

"And you have my best interests at heart…you're not just trying to get into my pants?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I could never fit in those pants."

Spencer cocked his head and breathed a small laugh.

"So once you extract me from the offending material, you're going to leave?"

"That would be negligent. I would have to stick around to make sure the blood flow is restored to the effected extremities. Could take some time." Derek said moving closer.

"Well, poor blood circulation is known to increase the risk of heart attacks, but I'm doubtful the mortality rate of Levi skinny jean consumers has caused enough concern as to have been factored into such studies." Spencer argued, backing away from the door.

"Shouldn't take any chances." Derek admonished taking another step forward.

"Tell me agent, do you have the proper qualifications…in case I should find myself in need of life saving efforts?" Spencer inquired, back hitting the entryway wall.

"Absolutely. I'm very proficient in mouth to mouth." Derek assured him, closing the distance and capturing the soft, supple lips with his own.

The kiss turned from sweet and apprehensive to one of animalistic need in ten seconds flat. They were down the hall with Derek's clothes off and Spencer thrown onto his mattress in thirty and Spencer's nearly shredded jeans and boxer briefs were joining his an excruciating two minutes and thirteen seconds after that. (The things worked like a goddamn Chinese finger trap.)

As promised, his friend took his time massaging, kissing, licking and nipping the blood flow right back to where it desperately needed to be, which Derek soon tested by hungrily sucking one very engorged member into his hot mouth. Judging by the response his actions received, he was happy to find everything in proper working order.

Spencer was pleased that this was obviously not an uncomfortable scenario for Derek like he would have imagined. After all, kissing was one thing, but being fully intimate with another man, especially in this position, could have proven problematic for the older agent. He wondered how much experience he'd had with men outside of his abuse as a child. Judging by his curling toes, more than a little.

When Spencer felt himself getting close, he pushed Derek away and flipped them so the darker man was on his back. After working the muscled torso over in a similar fashion, the beautiful genius ran the tip of Morgan's cock sensually around his bee-sting lips, spreading the pre-cum over them before diving down the shaft until his lips hit the base. His tongue and constricting muscles of his throat were doing insanely wonderful things as one slender hand rolled and tugged his balls in time with the bobbing motions. The enthusiasm alone was a huge turn on. It was the messiest, wettest, most mind blowing blow job Derek had ever received. He'd never lost his load in under ten minutes before, but this enigma of a man between his legs had him howling out in release in less than three.

His head lulled with a groan as the aftershocks sent tingling sensations through his entire body. He lay there momentarily at the foot of the bed as the amazing young man reached into his bedside drawer and pulled out condoms, lubrication and…what the hell was that?

"What the hell is that?"

Spencer smiled at him as he settled at the head of the bed on his knees. He poured lube on the weird device, then dribbled some onto his own erection and started to stroke himself. Derek watched in awe as his Pretty Boy worked his dick in long, slow strokes, looking over at him hungrily until need overtook him and he began thrusting into his fist, long tendrils of silky, brown hair falling across his sharp shoulder blades as his head fell back and unbelievably sexy sounds began emanating from his slack mouth.

The older agent couldn't move. Just when he'd decided he was witnessing the hottest fucking thing he'd ever seen, Spencer grabbed the curved, tapered, lube-coated toy. Leaning forward slightly, he began easing it into his puckered hole. It was then that Derek could hear the vibrating as the vision of pure sexual desire began moving it in and out of that perfectly sculpted ass, stroking his slick cock in time with every thrust. He stood corrected. THAT was the hottest fucking thing he had ever seen.

When he re-angled and twisted the hand the strange toy was in, his wiry frame bucked and Derek's heart rate quadrupled as he watched his partner cry out a few minutes later, his face the very epitome of ecstasy as he moaned and shot copious amounts of cum all over the comforter. Okay. So, Morgan was giving up. He supposed as long as he and Spencer Reid were involved in any kind of sexual activity, the guy would constantly one up the hottest visual quotient.

He was brought back to reality when the object of his every desire pulled the slender, ribbed, vibrating mechanism from his rectum and turned so both of his hands were braced on the head board, long legs spread, with his sweet bum sticking out. He looked wantonly over his shoulder at Derek.

"I'm ready for you."

*Holy FUCKING shit*

Realizing that he was rock hard again after Spencer's performance, he wasted no time springing up, rolling the condom on and coating himself before he was kissing those pouty lips and nudging the opening of their gorgeous owner's sphincter. The toy hadn't been nearly as large as Derek was but the genius gets what the genius wants.

He pushed slowly into the tight heat and the sensations that coursed through him combined with the low, guttural moan coming from his new lover made him sob unabashedly with overwhelming joy. He stilled for a few moments, kissing the soft flesh of one bony shoulder, before beginning a steady rocking motion. As their breathing picked up and the friction increased, Derek caressed what skin he could reach until it became too much and he grabbed the narrow hips before him, pounding into the younger man with fierce, brutal strokes.

"Ah! Derek! Mmmmmmmah! YES!"

"Christ…so…perfect…so fucking good…"

*Eat your heart out Handcock!*

In all the time he'd known the shy young doctor, he never would have imagined he'd feel this incredible, sound this amazing or be this provocative, intoxicating, addicting. He didn't want it to end but the heat in his belly was rising so when Spencer whimpered for more, Derek knocked his knobby knees further apart, scooted him back and plunged in at a lower angle, assaulting the sensitive prostate with the head of his dick.

Spencer screamed, bucking wildly. Derek wrapped one arm around the tiny waist, his other hand roughly pulling that head back by its soft hair. He bit the slender neck at its racing jugular causing Spencer's back to bow as he came all over himself, the bed spread and head board while his untouched cock bobbed to and fro with the frantic copulating. His inner walls strangled Derek, who shuddered and bellowed his own release as he was milked of every last drop.

When they could actually breathe again, and their quivering muscles stilled, they kissed each other tenderly just reveling in the closeness. Of course, that's when they heard their phones buzz.

"What the hell?" Morgan grumbled.

They fumbled around until they had their phones in hand. The mutual text was in fact from the tech whiz. Two simple words:

**(**You're welcome :) **)**

The two men looked at one another confused. Another text buzzed through.

**(**BTW that sounded SO HOT congrats!**)**

The temperature in the room plummeted as they searched for evidence they'd been spied on, finding none.

"Wait a minute, Spencer…were those clothes yours or did Garcia actually _**give**_ them to you?"

"She brought them to me…wh…OH MY GOD!"

….

Garcia smiled and closed her laptop, disengaging her earpiece.

"Another strawberry please."

"Why are you getting the royal treatment when I'm the one that risked my hide?"

"Because Kevin, sweetums, I'm the Master Mind here. And I should get an Oscar for my waterworks Monday. I must say, your angels talents are being wasted on the small stage. Besides, I intend on thanking you in other ways."

"You mean?"

"Yup."

"Oh sweet, merciful Zeus…"

"I'll grab the clamps baby. By the way, remind me to send Tiff a basket for her wonderful performance in the bar last Saturday."

"Yeah, next time could we not use my half-sister? Even implying that was so creepy."

"Of course shnookums. And anyway, you'll be serving an entirely different purpose in my plans for Emily and the boss man."

"What! No way Penny! Morgan's already going to pummel me when he finds out this whole thing was a set up. You'll be receiving your favorite part of me in a decorative cookie tin, the rest of me never to be found if we mess with Hotchner!"

"Hush now. We both know in about three minutes you'll be saying yes to everything my pretty little heart desires."

"You wicked, wicked temptress…you know, you should quit while you're ahead. That Morgan-Rossi fight was…"

"All part of the plan angelfish."

"Wait, what?"

"Okay, not originally, but after Rossi had a little run in with them today by the men's room he finally approached me about their behavior. We had a little chat and he decided the boys could use an extra push. I agreed. Why do you think I left them alone all day? Besides, Dave's ego is strong enough to withstand nuclear fallout, so it's all good."

"Is it wrong that I'm extremely frightened and yet simultaneously turned on by you right now?"

"No. It's just conformation that the universe is as it should be. Now hold on babe. This might sting a bit…"

….

EPILOGUE - MONDAY:

He made his way through the basement archives to retrieve some files on cases his supervisor needed as teaching aids. He'd happily volunteered for the task because he also happened to know that one hot, little BAU genius tended to frequent the quiet isles. When he turned down the third isle in search of the latter, he found himself face to face with one Supervisory Special Agent Derek Morgan.

"Uh, Morgan…didn't see you come down here. Doesn't Spencer usually…"

"That's DOCTOR REID to you Handcock." Derek corrected, pushing off the wall and right into Paul's personal bubble.

"While we're on the topic, I heard Handcock is more than just a name. Care to fill me in on just what that '_more_' would entail?"

"Um, I…I didn't…"

"Oh yes you did Pauley. And if you do it again, in fact, if I so much as see you looking in Dr. Reid's general vicinity, you'll be demonstrating your Handcock etymology in a federal prison with a very eager audience. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

"Y-yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes Agent Morgan. I understand. I'll apologize to Doc…"

"See now, I thought you had it, I really did, but apparently I failed to make you understand the gravity of the situation because I could have sworn I said you weren't even to_ look_ at him again. I would think for an agent of the FBI those would be very simple instructions. Oh, that's right. You prefer the hands on approach to learning. Let's try this one more time… "

TWENTY MINUTES LATER IN THE BULLPEN

"What do you mean the cameras are down!"

"Just what I said Dalton, the system is under maintenance until seventeen-hundred hours."

"So I have an agent who mysteriously returns from archives looking like he just pissed himself, turns in his credentials and hightails it out of here without so much as a letter of resignation or clue as to why and it just so happens that the cameras are down at that exact time interval?"

"Sorry. Looks that way sir." Penelope shrugged.

*Wait…Didn't that creep Handcock just go to archives?* Spencer scowled and looked up when Derek approached with a smug smile. Spencer narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend.

"Morgan? Where were you just now?"

"Stretching my legs."

"Where?"

"Around the 'Plausible Deniability' isle in the 'Better Off Not Knowing' section of the building."

Spencer sat back and glowered at him a moment before giving a heart-stopping grin.

"I love you too."

**Thanks you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for reading! Hope it was semi-enjoyable. As always, reviews are appreciated more than you know. Until next time, lots of love to you my fellow fan-atics!**


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